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Literature Text
If I pay attention
It starts to happen
I can hear her through the quiet
I can hear her through the storm
She tries to keep her heart still
But I know she can’t
No better than I
And I wrap her my arms
And I keep her safe in the squall
I rescue her from the darkness
Pull her ashore with me
And I’ll keep her warm
Even if it makes me cold
It starts to happen
I can hear her through the quiet
I can hear her through the storm
She tries to keep her heart still
But I know she can’t
No better than I
And I wrap her my arms
And I keep her safe in the squall
I rescue her from the darkness
Pull her ashore with me
And I’ll keep her warm
Even if it makes me cold
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Three A.M.
Three A.M.
My eyes are wide open, but I can't see a thing. It's three A.M. and I'm lying here in bed waiting for these champagne dreams to seep in and sweep me away
I lie here, consumed in your intoxicating scent, sedating me into an otherworldly comfort. It's the end of the day at the end of the week. It's three A.M. and all of the bur
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The Final Goodbye
Pain clouds her eyes,
like blooming bruises across her vision,
and she tears another scream from her lungs,
as she convulses on the hospital bed.
Blood drips from between her legs,
staining the bleached covers in brutal truth,
and her eyes roll wildly, searching for him.
His name splinters the air,
tugged out,
breathlessly,
between sobs.
Their mingled tears chill the air,
and her hands claw at his.
"If I don't make it..."
"Shut up."
He roars at her,
"You're going to make it."
But his ferocity is lost between pleading prayers.
He grabs at her chin,
that has sunk to her chest in defeat,
and his eyes beg hers,
as sobs break
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The last thing I will ever write about a girl... I doubt it.
© 2009 - 2024 ron-brouillette
Comments21
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Hi! I'm going to critique this because you have asked for critique, but I want to make sure you understand that I'm critiquing this as a piece of literature and don't mean to criticize the emotions behind this piece--I don't mean any part of this to be offensive.
I feel that the simplicity of this piece and its imagery does not prevent this piece from making an impact, but it does make the piece cliche, frankly speaking. I would suggest adding more complex imagery, a bit of figurative language and punctuation marks to make this piece more original and more powerful.
The first stanza is very powerful, despite it's simplicity, because of the repetition of the last two lines--it's a great beginning, and it draws the reader in beautifully. Personally, I feel it's the strongest part of this piece.
What I'm trying to say, in short, is that you've got some very strong emotions behind the theme of this piece, so the content is basically sound--what you need is a little bit of work on the stylistic elements.
My suggestions for the punctuation marks would be:
If I pay attention,
It starts to happen.
I can hear her through the quiet,
I can hear her through the storm.
She tries to keep her heart still--
But I know she can’t,
No better than I.
And I wrap her (in) my arms,
And I keep her safe in the squall.
I rescue her from the darkness:
Pull her ashore with me.
And I’ll keep her warm
Even if it makes me cold.
Hope this was of some help to you! I would definitely keep the instances of repetition--they add a nice rhythm to this piece <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt="" title=" (Smile)"/>
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