literature

Final Sincerity

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ron-brouillette's avatar
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Literature Text

If I pay attention
It starts to happen
I can hear her through the quiet
I can hear her through the storm

She tries to keep her heart still
But I know she can’t
No better than I
And I wrap her my arms
And I keep her safe in the squall

I rescue her from the darkness
Pull her ashore with me
And I’ll keep her warm
Even if it makes me cold
The last thing I will ever write about a girl... I doubt it.
© 2009 - 2024 ron-brouillette
Comments21
silverfleckedlullaby's avatar
:star::star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Impact

Hi! I'm going to critique this because you have asked for critique, but I want to make sure you understand that I'm critiquing this as a piece of literature and don't mean to criticize the emotions behind this piece--I don't mean any part of this to be offensive.

I feel that the simplicity of this piece and its imagery does not prevent this piece from making an impact, but it does make the piece cliche, frankly speaking. I would suggest adding more complex imagery, a bit of figurative language and punctuation marks to make this piece more original and more powerful.

The first stanza is very powerful, despite it's simplicity, because of the repetition of the last two lines--it's a great beginning, and it draws the reader in beautifully. Personally, I feel it's the strongest part of this piece.

What I'm trying to say, in short, is that you've got some very strong emotions behind the theme of this piece, so the content is basically sound--what you need is a little bit of work on the stylistic elements.

My suggestions for the punctuation marks would be:

If I pay attention,
It starts to happen.
I can hear her through the quiet,
I can hear her through the storm.

She tries to keep her heart still--
But I know she can’t,
No better than I.
And I wrap her (in) my arms,
And I keep her safe in the squall.

I rescue her from the darkness:
Pull her ashore with me.
And I’ll keep her warm
Even if it makes me cold.

Hope this was of some help to you! I would definitely keep the instances of repetition--they add a nice rhythm to this piece <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt=":)" title=":) (Smile)"/>
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